Resa's Thoughts

It's been a while... part 3

2010-09-16T10:38:00.005-04:00

It has not been as long as it was from the last update, but not much has changed. Still unemployed and what not. August 31st, my Nana passed away; although I'm sad, I find this experience not quite as painful or jarring as when David passed away. With the anniversary of his passing coming soon, I don't know how Mom or I will feel in the times to come.

I find myself feeling just as hollow and as lost as I did the previous year. A feeling of standing and knowing the rug is about to be pulled from under me, but still unprepared. I'm very confused.

... Even with time things haven't changed much, the anniversary of David's passing has come and gone and with that time a different heartache has come. November 20th my Grandma passed away ending her long battle with cancer, so I lost both my grandmother's in the same year. Even though these passings weren't as shocking as David's it was still very jarring.

I'm kind of feeling hollow that the only things I have to write about are the deaths of my family members...

It's been a while... part 2

2010-07-30T12:03:00.003-04:00

I've got to get better at these updates. I guess the reason it takes so long is that things don't usually change that much between post. I'm still unemployed and looking for work (although I might have an opportunity if I can get comfortable with the idea and the skills). Financial issues are still looming over our heads and the anniversary of David's passing is coming up. I think the only thing that changed in between all that was the passing of my great Aunt Emma (who I miss very much), she passed a few weeks after her 100th birthday. I really dislike how all my main updates are pretty much downers, but it is what it is. Hopefully something really good will come our way. Maybe something good will come every one's way :-).

It's been a while...

2010-02-26T14:17:00.003-05:00

A bit of time has passed since my last update. The shock of David's death still hasn't passed and I know it's suppose to get better with time, but right now I just feel numb. Some times I will laughing and joking and the next moment I feel like I want to scream and cry. I can only let time go by.

He's gone...

2009-09-27T17:30:00.003-04:00

My brother, David, passed today. He was pronounced brain dead last week, but today his body finally left us as well...

And more time passess...

2009-08-31T21:51:00.000-04:00

Another gap in time. This year feels like it's been the longest yet. So much has happened, with my Nana, and now my brother is in the hospital. My mother went to go stay with him until he wakes up, so I'm here with Nana. Though it hasn't been that bad, our friends and family are such wonderful people and have been great help and comfort while all this is happening. I'm just hoping and praying that David is OK, and that he wakes up soon and problem free.

Been so long...

2009-03-05T22:45:00.000-05:00

Nothing much has changed on the job front, but a lot has happened with my family. I'm feeling more than a little emotionally drained and I know my family is. I just hope that things get better soon.

Brand New Year

2009-01-26T19:36:00.003-05:00

Some time has passed since I've updated and I felt the need to, though there hasn't been much change. I'm still looking for work and some kind of health care with my heart issue (among other problems). I'm hoping this year will be better though. Since the start of the writing group I have been writing a bit more, but my mind keeps going places in the story I don't want it to. Oh well, I know at least the fact that I'm writing more and I have people to read it and stuff is a good thing. Maybe I can finally get a story out there in the world and feel accomplished, something I've wanted to feel for a while now.

Holidays Approaching

2008-12-01T13:58:00.002-05:00

*sighs* The holidays are coming and I STILL don't have a job. Soon I'll have to pay off college loans and with a heart disorder and possible reoccurring blood disorder, I don't have any medical coverage in case something happens (let alone for my medications). All this is just making me depressed...

Birthdays

2008-08-31T11:29:00.000-04:00

So many birthdays are happening around the same time,
August 28th - the birthday of my wonderful, Nana
August 29th - the birthday of my dear friend, Jess
September 1st - the birthday of my big brother, David
and September 12th - the birthday of my amazing Mom

So much going on within a few days for each other, hmm ... I hope I haven't forgotten any one...

It's been a while

2008-07-10T19:36:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm out of school as the time will tell and I walked in May *sighs*. I've still got no idea what I want to do, all I know is I need a job and well, I just feel like I need help in general. I'm 23 years old and almost consumed by fear of the unknown. I'm very open minded, but a very closed off person. I just don't even want to think of, if the day should comes, where I might become too afraid to walk outside my door...

Just Stuff

2008-03-19T18:12:00.005-04:00

I don't know why, but I'm putting some stuff up, just because I can.

This is from the random January snow we had. I was really out of it that day (not that that is really very different to how I normally feel). With this video, I also really, truly realize how much Jess and I sound alike.

St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T11:08:00.001-04:00

Oh, and before I forget:
Happy St. Patrick's Day

The Second Half

2008-03-17T11:01:00.003-04:00

So Spring Break has passed and I was grateful for it, I missed home and my mom. I know I have to figure out how to get it together before it's too late. I want to graduate somewhat on time and I need to get advice, but I don't really know where to go. I've set myself back, I can't decide what I want to do after this is over (although I know I'm not going right into graduate school, it would just be too much). *sighs* Oh well, I've got to come up with some kind of plan or something... and soon.

A New Year

2008-01-06T19:15:00.001-05:00

So, another year has gone by and we now are in a new one: 2008. I don't know what this year has in store, but all I can hope is that if there is bad, that the good outweigh it and that I can learn something from it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I can hear a clock ticking, what or whose time is ticking away I don't know, but it's there and a little annoying. And of course in tradition, I start this new year off with a cold *sighs*.

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Wow, the year has gone by pretty quickly! Christmas is almost upon us all. Yesterday, we had the party here at home and it was a lot of fun; lots of people, lots of food, lots of music, lots of booze. I think we end up with double the liquor and beer stock that we had last year. I think someone even took their unopened one back and all I could think was "thank you". All that alcohol just sitting there... Anyway, we made too much food again (I think the left overs will be Christmas dinner) and we have a enitre half a Black Forest cake that was sooooooooo good, I know I'm going to end up shaming myself again. My Nana (whose here for Christmas) kept trying to give more of it away, but no such luck. But it was really nice and everything and I can't believe Monday is Christmas Eve. It has all happened so fast... soon I'll be going back to school for what is hopefully my last semester *sighs*. Time flies...ne?

All Over for Now...

2007-12-13T14:47:00.000-05:00

Well, the semester is over for now *sighs*. I'm really tired and I just know I didn't do that great. I miss home and I really need to think over this break. I suck...

As Thanksgiving Comes Around...

2007-11-19T17:44:00.001-05:00

*sighs* Although I am very excited for the break, I can't help being more than a little anxious. The faster the holidays come, the sooner my deadlines come. I've just got so much to do and I really feel like I'm far, far behind everyone else in my class. It's like I know what what I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't see how to do it. I have a full draft due tomorrow for my history class and I have a sort of outline for it, but I can't seem to fill it in. So I end up staring at this paper that I've been trying to work on and figure out and I end up with nothing. I can't afford to fail this class because I need it to graduate. And now I've got all these stabby pains in my chest and my sides. I don't know what I'm going to do...

Stress

2007-10-09T10:58:00.000-04:00

OK, wow, I haven't updated this in a while. Then again, I have been really busy this semester. With two 500 level classes, one of which is research and writing intensive, I haven't had a lot of time to type much of anything else (no matter how hard I try to). I just can't seem to get it together though, and my focus is all shot. I can't seem to absorb the material I read either and it is just really messing me up. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I have too much to do to let it crush me now. And of course, now I have a headache *sighs* I need a break, NOW!

Packing up and moving on

2007-08-17T10:30:00.001-04:00

So all this week I've (sort of) spent packing up my stuff and move in day is almost here. Tomorrow, we leave early so I can get all my stuff in, get anything extra that I might need, Mom can head back home and rest, and I can get my school issues squared away. Another semester is really almost upon me and I'm a bit excited, but no that much. I just have to slip back into the old routine (in a new and hopefully better way, of course) and deal with it all. Here is hoping for a good school year (my last school year).

School Looms Around the Corner

2007-07-29T12:49:00.001-04:00

The month is ending and soon school will be back in session. I can't believe this vacation went by so quickly. I don't know how much had changed internally, but a lot had happened this summer. My internship with the United Way is going well, I actually really like it there. And although I know I didn't make much of a difference, I'd like to think it made a difference in me. Soon it will be over and I will be facing new challenges, but maybe this semester I will handle better than my last.

Summertime!

2007-06-21T16:38:00.000-04:00

Wow, it has really been a long time since I've posted! Not that many people are paying attention, but still... typing it all out is good for the soul. Anyway, this summer has been quite a roller coaster so far. Still don't have a job, but I might have an internship coming soon, so yay for that. I mostly just read, and clean some (though not my room), and what not for the time being. My birthday is also coming up soon, but it won't be anything big I know, I've passed all the big celebration makes for the time being and 30 is somewhat far away (25 is closer, but do people make a big deal over 25). Anyway, that's really all I've got to say for the time being. I got to go take care of my dog.
So, bye!

Home Again, Home Again

2007-05-08T21:37:00.000-04:00

Well, this semester is finally over for me. My roomie is graduating this Friday, so come next semester I will have a new roommate. I've been home for a few days and the heavy feeling sitting in my chest has yet to leave me. Maybe it's more than stress, or maybe it's a stress over something I have yet to determine. Why the hell am I feeling so angsty? I swear I am not all emo, but I sure act like it from time to time. Oh well, I'll just try to keep my mind on Animazement when everyone (mostly) will be able to get together for one last big ... thingie. Woo!

Almost the End

2007-04-26T23:57:00.001-04:00

Well, the semester is almost at the end and I still have a crisis on my hands. Oh well, sometimes... Anyway, Right now I'm watching Family Guy with my roommate and I feel a little sad cuz next semester I won't have my roommate anymore. Jess is graduating this semester. I'm really happy for her! Yay Jessie!

Anyway, I can't wait for Animazement! Everybody back together again (that includes you Heather). Everyone must come (especially you Heather *glare*)! I'm so excited!

Winding Down

2007-04-02T09:35:00.001-04:00

Another semester is coming to a close and I still have no idea what I want to do. I have so many unanswered questions and now more problems than I knew. It's like I'm stuck or something, and I have no clue how to get unstuck. Oh well, all I can do now is try to focus and enjoy what time I have, before the real world crushes me.

Spring Break!

2007-03-07T16:12:00.000-05:00

I'm so happy to be in spring break, even though I have to stick close to home. I need to rest and gather my thoughts (as well as catch up on everything). The tree in front of my room's being removed and already it just feels weird. I mean, yeah it blocked the light, but still it was a nice tree. But it was like everywhere, even with the cleaning up that went into it. Oh well, I'm going back to my relaxation now.

I need Spring Break

2007-02-28T17:16:00.001-05:00

I don't know when I will return to normal, I just feel so sad and tired. The shock of Aunt Brenda's death last weekend (the 18th) still hangs in my mind. I knew I shouldn't have gone to the viewing, I shouldn't have seen the body. Now I just can't stop crying, I can't thinking or do much of anything without crying. I've also got these really sharp pains in my stomach area. I'm glad for Jess and Jacci for lifting my mood in the times that they are with me though. Right now, I just want to be with my mother and to see the rest of my family again (under better circumstances). I can't wait to go home for spring break, even if I have a lot of homework to take home with me. I just want to go home, talk to my mom, see my dog and such. I need spring break.

Another Lazy Weekend

2007-02-17T17:17:00.000-05:00

Nothing is really going on this weekend, nothing beyond homework, watching TV and sleeping. I'm glad for the peaceful time though, especially because next week will be pretty active considering. I can't wait for Tuesday, National Pancake Day *cheers*. We're all going to drown our sorrows, or not, in pancakes. Also I'm going to see a play and some other stuff is going on... anyway, it's going to be special. So a lazy day is appreciated. Also I got to see cute Avatar chibis in an online short, so yeah my day is good.

Another day...

2007-02-13T21:29:00.001-05:00

Nothing really to post this time around. I've got a test tomorrow and another test on Thursday *sighs*. One thing I'd like to know is why I'm so freaking tired, I can't even study--I'm just too sleepy. I guess that's just the way it is right now. I can't wait until the weekend, I'm going to sleep as much as I can (or do lots of stuff to balance myself out). Anyway, that's about all I've got to say, I just know I haven't posted in a while. Nothing is really happened today, although our CA made a condom heart on our dorm's bulletin board--that was most entertaining (so many pictures were taken) *snickers to self*. These are the things we'll remember 20 years from now (but I bet we won't know why). Anyway, that's about it.
Ja ne

Snow, give me snow!

2007-02-01T08:44:00.000-05:00

We gots the flurries! Yup, wintry weather has cancelled classes, yay! I'm so happy (mostly because I had an oral debate today), WHEEEEE! I'm glad for the (authorized) break, it gives me time to catch you on all my work. It also gives me time to work on the new story I've been writing and revise some old ones. I LOVE snow days! *does a little dance of joy*

New Year Looming

2006-12-27T14:29:00.000-05:00

This year is almost through and I really haven't accomplished the things I wanted. I have no resolutions for the next year, but I want to make a plan so that at least don't waste another year. I really want to try working on one story and actually finish it and I hope that will motivate me. I want to try harder in my studies and figure out why I'm having the difficulties that I had last semester. I don't want it to be the same, I want it to be better. But can I overcome my handicaps and bad habits in order to make it a reality.

I hope so...

End of the Semester

2006-12-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

Wow...
Time sure has flown. The end of another semester is looming over us and I don't know... I know this will not be a good one. I need to come up with some other way to get through the next semester. I know it will be difficult, especially since I'm have such trouble as it is. Oh well, I'll use my winter break to plan. I still have to find the things I'm looking for for the holiday season. Oh well, a new search begins.

Yay, Avatar will be on soon!

sigh

2006-11-28T23:30:00.000-05:00

Ever had that feeling of being totally lost?

A whole semester gone and I don't have any idea what happened. I have a feeling I'm not really doing very well and I don't know how to make it any better. Everything 's become a lot harder than it was before and I can only think 'if this semester is so hard, what about the next'.

I need to come up with better plans for next semester if I really want to get back to where I once was.

Just a short update

2006-11-15T13:37:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RACHEL!!!!!!

Pumpkin Carnage!

2006-10-30T22:24:00.000-05:00

The pumpkins...they die...
the seeds... they were everywhere,
Everywhere!

The great massacre... of pumpkin carving

Seeking ease of mind

2006-10-23T10:42:00.000-04:00

I pray for sleep now, to be in the land of dreams and finally feel some sort of completion in my life. I feel like I’m falling a part some how, breaking down again after all these years. I pray for tears that never seem to come, and I’m just over come with this growing numb, empty feeling inside that soon become this great hunger that I have to fill and even though I know it’s not that kind of hunger I can nothing but fill it with food for the time being. Soon I feel guilty for what I feel inside, horrible for feeling so unhappy when I obviously have nothing to feel bad about and I curl up and sleep (because I can’t continue to think) and try to ignore the hunger (any hunger, really). I never thought I would be here this long. I had plans till 18 then… but the love of others (and a bit of their faith) made me change it in my mind to 21. In the time I thought I’d build up goals and ambitions and then I got thrown down again. My body slipping away from me at 18, I accepted this. I would accept what awaited me, but what I thought didn't come – I touched it, but it didn't come. So once again I tried for those goals and ambition believe what others say a my second chance only to be pushed again, maybe all those years of pushing and pulling on that hunger void finally took its toll on me.

Through all of this I lived in dreams, what I saw when I was awake hurt too much on the inside and now I find it hard to tell one from the other. Some time my mind doesn't always see what’s really there and it scares me so much. I've done everything so very wrong. I’m not the person I want people to see me as and it hurts so much inside. I just keep failing and I’m just so tired. I have people that I love so much and I know they love me, but I don’t feel like I really deserve that now. Why can’t I just get it right?! In the end, I always end up failing and now I can’t bring myself to even care.

So what do I do now? I try to find new goals, but they mean nothing to me, I can’t seem to hold on to them. I try to make a promise to myself to try harder, but find that promises to myself mean nothing to me. I just keep falling. Back into the dark, back into sleep, back into comforting dreams.

Still goin'

2006-10-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

Another week and still so much to do. I was so happy for fall break, I finally got to go home and visit my Mom and my puppy. My poor baby is all rashy and raw where he's scratched at his fur. I feel so bad for my poor puppy. I'm feeling a lot better now and a bit more energized about everything (let's see how long this last). Anyway, I really don't have much to say right now, so... Yeah

On to my paper now!

Just Too Much

2006-09-26T14:45:00.000-04:00

I look at all I have to do this week (one day in particular) and can only shake my head in shame. It just seems like there is too much to do and not enough time. And on top of all that, I'm really tired like all the time. When I start to do readings for class or study for something, I fall asleep mid-sentence. I never retain anything after this happens either. *sighs* I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get everything together like I want. Darn my procrastination issues, I make what's already a lot of work into death for myself. Why can't I just get it together already?

Rainy Day Contemplation

2006-09-13T16:15:00.000-04:00

Another rainy day, the bleak weather isn't helping lift my mood at all (even though we need the rain). All this rain is making me really tired and bringing me down. As I sit, watching all the people around my mood drops even more. The concentration and frustration seems to roll off of them and I know that I should be among them. I just can't seem to get it, my mind just can't seem to wrap around it... it makes me want to cry. It really makes me want to cry, but I can't...

So I just sit here, watching the sky grow even darker and watch the sky open up again and the rain fall...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!!!!

2006-09-12T09:08:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to my beloved mother. Another years has passed us by, a year of happiness and sadness, of hurt and hope. You have again made it through the challenges life had thrown our way and I so proud to be your daughter. I hope for the best for you on your day and love you very much.

Have a Happy, Happy Birthday!!!

Long Weekend

2006-09-02T12:54:00.000-04:00

Finally! We finally have a slightly long weekend and I need it already. I have so much work to do now and am grateful for the time to get it together. Lots of people went home this break so it's pretty quiet here on campus. I'm happy yet sad about that, I kind of miss everyone but I can sleep (though it's scary at night). Anyway, I'm just working on my papers and relishing this little bit of peace (no matter how disturbing it can get).

Oh, well... :-)

Back! to wish many Happy Birthdays

2006-09-01T07:33:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back! Back at posting and back at school for my senior year. This part of the month (end of August, early September) is really big for birthdays around me. My room mate Jess had her 21st birthday August 29th and my lovely Nana had her birthday August 28th. Today is my older brother birthday and I really happy to see it. With all the crap that's gone on these past few years, it's amazing to say we've all made it another year for us.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and happy belated birthday again, to my loved ones.

Almost time to return

2006-07-20T10:55:00.000-04:00

After my actual first summer working, I look over at the calendar and notice that it will soon be time to return to UNCG. This summer seemed to go by so quickly, it just felt odd. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but I'm actually kind of ready to go back. Besides working and resting from working and countless doctors' appointments, I haven't done a lot this summer at all. I haven't learned anything new really or expanded my mind (well I have but not the way I planned to). I miss my friends in Greensboro, I miss campus life, but I also like being here to help my mother and seeing my friends in Charlotte. I also like my coworkers really. I don't know, maybe once I get backthere I'll be wanting to come back home all over again.

I feel a little... divided...

a bit of a plea

2006-03-17T18:55:00.000-05:00

If I can just make it through

just a little more and I'll be finished

But the end seems so far away

Quitting would be so easy,

but would I regret it?

I'm sure I would,

they tell me I will

I don't know

I'm so confused and tired

If I can just make it through,

maybe then...

All of it would be worthwhile

just a little more

a little more

I pray just a little more

just to make it through.

Back at School

2006-01-07T18:07:00.000-05:00

Here I am back at school and although I missed my internet very much, I miss my home. I miss my mother and my cute puppy. I miss my friends in Charlotte and I miss my extended family. I also miss our satellite and all that channels we have (I know that's stupid but I miss it too). I had a really good time over the Christmas break. I got to see my beloved Nana for the first time in a year and I got to see the Rockettes, that was really fun. Now I'm back and I'm here in all alone. Oh well, I hope this semester goes well and I hope for health this time around (please no random blackouts). I really want 2006 to be better than last year.

Entering Exam Hell

2005-12-05T16:31:00.000-05:00

Exams start this week and even though I'm so stressed about them in a way I don't really care anymore. I mean I can't seem to get myself to care enough to do anything (like study or revise my essays that are due soon). I know this sounds weird, but I'm feeling kind of burnt out lately. I'm just very tired recently and have major eye pain, with the blurry vision and headaches (too much computer time, I suppose). I don't know why I can't motivate myself to do the things I need to do. I feel like I'm on some kind of systems shut down, which although is possible is most unlikely. *sighs* I just want to go home and not have to worry about school anymore. Oh well, such is life and this is exam time.

Countdown to Break

2005-11-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving break is almost here and I'm soooooo happy! I can't wait to go home and see my friends in Charlotte. I can't wait for the food, oh the food that will be had! I still don't exactly know what my mom and I will be doing for Thanksgiving but whatever we do it better involve large quantities of food. So now all I can do is study all I can, get all I can get done here finished and count down the days 'til home. Wheeeee Home!

Panikku!

2005-10-27T15:48:00.000-04:00

I can't take it anymore, all the pressure is just building up. I have so much to do and I can't do it all! If I think about it, I started to hyper-ventilate like I'm doing now and can't think. But if I don't think about it, I don't think about it and get further and further behind. Where is my happy medium! I swear I'm working my way into another breakdown. *owww* Now my chest is hurting again. I can't think any more!!!

Exam

2005-10-23T14:29:00.000-04:00

I can't seem to remember my kanji! They all keep slipping out of my brain! Why, brain, why do you betray me! Anyway, I have a kanji test on Tuesday that I'm not really ready for, no matter what I try to do. The tests always make me nervous even if I already know the stuff. *sigh* Guess the only thing I can do is study untill I forget everything else but kanji....

Long (somewhat) weekend

2005-10-23T14:20:00.000-04:00

Last friday, my african american studies teacher told us we wouldn't have class on Monday, so now I kind of have a long weekend. I'm sooooooo happy about that! I need more rest and Thanksgiving is too far away. It was supposed to be a restful time and most times it was but with Jess and Jacci around that doesn't usually last. I'm grateful for that though because rest is nice but it gets boring after a while. Still I can't wait for Thanksgiving and all the yummy food. mmmm food.... Anyway, that's all I've got to say right now. Wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Sick weekend

2005-09-25T10:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I've made it through another weekend. Poor Jess is sick with something and now we've been just trying to get her better. We were suppose to have guest over yesterday but they didn't show up, so we're not worrying about it, it was probably for the best. I can't wait for Fall Break! I'm glad for a relaxing weekend though, the more rest the better. I just hope my immune system can hold up against all the illness.

Days rolling by

2005-09-20T15:46:00.000-04:00

These days seem to get slower and slower, I don't know why. I can't wait until I can finally go home and visit my mother, since I didn't get to Labor Day weekend, because of the gas prices. I'm so freaking tired and I don't really know why (ok, maybe it had something to do with staying up until 1 in the morning). I've not been sleeping too great, so I guess tiredness should be expected. I really am a part of Extreme Tiredness, huh? Anyway, I can't wait to watch Supernatural tonight. It seems like a really interesting show. Jess and I sit and talk about what we think is going on in the story and what tale it comes from. Very interactive show for us, but we'll miss the beginning of it because we have a dorm hall meeting at 9. *sigh* Oh well, nothing else really to report. Catch ya'll later!

Happy Birthday Mom

2005-09-12T09:57:00.000-04:00

Today is my mother's birthday and I just want to say thanks to her. Without her, there would be no me. And no matter how sad I get that thought alone is enough. I love my mom very much!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!

Hmmm

2005-08-30T20:45:00.000-04:00

Labor Day weekend is coming and I must say that I'm excited to be going home. I miss it very much and I need a break. My body keeps betraying me and everything. I just want to relax and think a little while. I have so much work to do and I don't know how I'm going to do it. Oh well, vacation is not so far away.

Lost

2005-08-25T18:07:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's going on. Today was just a very draining day for me. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and the things that used to make me happy don't really anymore. I don't know what's going on. I've tired resting and tired to cheer myself up but it's not working. Also my body seems to be acting in response to my feelings with irregular heart beats, numbness and pain. I just feel so lost, like I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I'm not happy anymore and I already dread going to some of my classes. I'm just confused now and I don't know why.

Lazy Weekend

2005-08-20T15:17:00.000-04:00

Now that I'm back at school I'm more tired then ever, so this is going to be one of those lazy weekends of rest and relaxation. I'm kind of glad though, I get to sleep and get my homework done, as well as getting my story started for my Writing Fiction class. All in all this is most likely for the best, though I do get lonely here all by myself. Oh well, I'm just going to kick back and see what comes my way.

Back to School again

2005-08-12T10:48:00.000-04:00

Well, tomorrow I make my way back to school to begin an all new semester of challenges. I'm so nervous, everything just seems to be piling up and it just seems like too much. Money, packing, being bugged by my dad, and my heart condition are all starting to take their toll on me. Sometime I wonder if I should be in school but I do want to be there. But still I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing there and that makes me worry, shouldn't I at least have some idea what I want to do? I'll probably stop worrying when I get to school but for now my mind won't stop working.

Summer Job Hunt Bummer

2005-06-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

I can't take the rejection anymore. Why does no one want me to work for them?! I can't get a break at all, it just... hurts. I wish I had a car so that I could go further because the bus system here in Charlotte sucks, like REALLY sucks. You have to walk like half the way to any place before you can even find a bus stop. I know I can't give up looking for a job because we need the money but all my oppritunities are dying before my very eyes. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAHH! It's Exam Time

2005-05-03T19:56:00.000-04:00

I can't take it, I'm not ready! Sure I want to go home but if this is the only way... I hate exams although the now classes is fun. I know, I know I didn't come to college to just sit around with my friends though that would be nice. Anyway, I must suffer though this so that I can be done with this semester and more on to my next year. I just want to go home and see my family for a little while. *sigh* Oh well, this won't take too long.

What I am

2005-04-20T22:10:00.000-04:00

You're Element is Night. You're a bit of a loner
loner who is very creative but never show your
work to anyone. You may smile a little but
sadness or loneliness surround you and other
can feel it when they're near you. You have a
dark or unusual beauty that makes you
mysterious and you probably have a lot of
secrets that you've never told anyone. You're
beauty is intriging and unorthidox but the real
thing that makes you special is your eyes.
Something in them makes them like Diamonds in
the Rough. (please forgive me if you cannot see
the pics. If you go to my userpage then you can
see your result picture at the bottom)

What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

Happy Birthday, Terri

2005-04-19T07:29:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday happy birthday,
happy birthday to you.

And I wish you many more to come.

P.S. You're old now!!

Sitting here doing nothing... and loving it

2005-04-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

A boring weekend, normally I'd hate these but this time... well I need the rest. I have the dorm room to myself and I'm trying to make the most of it. I've watched movies and eaten Chinese food and just kind of vegged out. Mainly it's cuz I know I have a lot to do next week. With all the tests and my big assignments due and my katakana book due as well. I know I'm coming to the end of this semester and hopefully the beginning of a new one in August. So here is to a lazy weekend, cuz there might not be anymore.

from my newest story

2005-04-03T14:57:00.000-04:00

For people who know me this is a common phrase but I started in new story and since I'm away from my computer I put this little segment here till I get back and stuff so her is a piece for now:

The world, a crazy mixed up place

From Caira's point of view
Part of Strange Adventures

I guess that I should have expected everything to go wrong but silly me I hoped things would be normal or at least something remotely like it. After sitting with an advisor who didn't listen to a word I said, I began to figure out that things were just going to get worst from there. I thought that it couldn't get any worst but then I found that my only friend, Vana, on the entire campus didn't want to be my roommate. She said that college was about new growing experiences and making the most of it all. Now that I think about it, if I hadn't mentioned that I was going to this school too and her gasped reply that so was she, we wouldn't even be here together. Then it hit me that Vana was trying to get away from me. Of course, that was a real bring down. I even think she thought I was following her even though I didn't know what school she was going to until that day. Now here I am, unwanted and alone in a strange place, far from my home. My parents thought it would be good for me to go away for college and not be right with them. To 'build my independence away from them and become my own woman' as they say.

So now I sit in a dorm I don't want, alone on a strange campus waiting for my stranger roommate. All in the name of 'new experience and expanding my horizon', in my opinion my horizons are expanded as far as they will go.

Random Thoughts of Me

2005-04-01T18:17:00.000-05:00

I had a really weird dream with singing and everything last night. This is just one of the songs that's kind of stuck in my head, sung by some bird women. I can't remember all of it but if I do I'll add it. Any way here it is:

Songbird
I’m just a little songbird
I sing of what I see
I can’t know what is out there
Beyond the bars I see

I’m just a little songbird
I think of open skies
I wonder what is outside
Beyond the window’s eyes

I’m a little songbird
I’m swinging to and fro
I’m staying inside my cage
I’ve no where else to go

I’m just a little songbird
I know I'm safer here
I don’t know what is out there
I’d better never leave

I’m a little songbird
I know I’ll never roam
I know the truth about it all
The world is not my home.

Where has the snow gone?

2005-02-28T07:31:00.000-05:00

Where is my freakin' snow? Everything around us has like at least a foot of snow. But oh no, not us, we get rain. Lot and lot of cold dreary rain. WHY??!!!! All I want is some snow, that's all I ask for some nice snow. Doesn't have to be get-you-out-of-class snow either (though that would be nice), just some collective flurries would do just nicely. But we get nothing, zip and it's killing me! I just want some freakin' SNOW! Is that too much to ask, Mother Nature?

The endless week

2005-02-18T17:58:00.000-05:00

I'm so glad that it's finally the weekend. It seems everyone I know is just so tired, so out of it. All I want to do is rest but I know that that isn't all I can do. I look at the clock and my eyes drift close as I finally have time to even really sit down today. But I can't sleep all weekend away, can I? I know I can't.

Apparently what I am

2005-01-19T00:18:00.000-05:00

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-01-04T19:18:00.000-05:00

Of course for Animazement this year I've decide to go as Himemiya Anthy from Revolutionary Girl Utena. I know I have alot of work ahead of me but I really want to do this. So, wish me luck!!

A New Year

2005-01-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's a whole new year and that I lived through it all. I really didn't think I would make it this year but yeah I did, thank you Jesus! Any way, now that 2004 is over, I wonder what the new year has in store for all of us. Of course I can't tell the future so I will never know, but still it would be nice to know if I should stay indoors all year or not. Along with a new year comes all new decisions and that in itself is difficult. Oh well, I guess you really can only take it one day at a time! Well, for all of you out there, have a happy and wonderful New Year!

Happy to be home...

2004-12-20T19:27:00.000-05:00

then why am I so sad? It's the holiday season and I should be happy that I'm home safe and sound and with my family, yet I can't help sighing often enough. I don't know what's wrong with me now, it's probably something stupid. The Holidays is my favorite time, so why do I want to bury myself in a whole and never come out?

Aeryn's House

2004-11-30T12:32:00.000-05:00

Hey check out this cool blog I found. Seriously, It's a new blog but it's really nice and I know that it will be far more interesting than mine. So I hope that you enjoy it:

http://aerynshouse.blogspot.com/

Have fun!

It's over (finally)!!

2004-11-09T15:52:00.001-05:00

Finally all my make up work is done and I can begin to relax. I think we are actually going to have a party to celebrate. Finally I stopped having heart problems (yay!) and I can breath again. Though some of the weight is off, I still can't wait until Thanksgiving (mainly for the going home). I haven't been able to do any other writing for the longest time and now I can (yay again!). Anyway that is all I have to say right now. My thoughts are mainly on the food that I haven't eaten. Stupid stress! Now I can eat (now I can live)!

School stress

2004-10-24T21:36:00.000-04:00

I'm so stressed this week and I know it will only get worst before it gets better. I have so many test this week and next and on top of all that, I have all this make up work I have to do. I wish that I had never got sick, I hate this, I can't do all this work. My deadline is November 3 and I still have 4 papers to do. I haven't been able to find some of my teachers, which will kill me for sure. I can't wait for Thanksgiving, the only time before finals that I can even try to rest (while studying of course). I feel like I can't breath!!! I spend the whole weekend inside working on make up and I seem be no further then I was before. I'm going to fail horrible and it's be all my fail, why am I such an idiot! I'm surely the worst failure ever!! And on top of all that my computer is acting up for the first time, when I really need it. I feel the walls closing around me now and I don't know what to do.

Finally!

2004-10-06T18:45:00.000-04:00

I'm finally getting around to posting once more. YAY! Anyway, Fall Break is coming up at my school and I can't wait to go home and see my family. I miss them so much and just want to see that they are well. I also want to sleep in my own bed because my dorm bed is KILLING my poor back. Things seem to be steadily moving by me and soon this semester will be over. Not that I don't like being her with all my friends and taking some interesting classes but I miss my home, I miss my mom and I miss my dog. I can't believe that it is October now, I've been riding out this semester. So right now I'm just sitting here watching Teen Titans (yay!) and of course posting this. Well, that's all I have to say for now. I will try to have something better to say next post (but I probably won't).

Nothing really

2004-09-28T22:19:00.000-04:00

I've had a pretty boring week this week. All I've done is sit here and work on paper and project after paper and project. I'm getting so tired of not having a life and all. I sit here and watch Lazytown with my room mate and dance to the music which happens to sound like some bouncy DDR music. Anyway, if that isn't the saddest sight I've seen I don't know what is, other then me listening to the theme songs for Rainbow Brite and Jem. Anyway, this is the exciting life I'm living now. Man, I need a car so bad! Here I am hoping the next week would be exciting and it's a bust. So again I'm dancing around my room and working on a English paper and presentation for tomorrow. Why isn't Fall Break coming any fast?!

So tired

2004-09-21T18:45:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired today and I don't know why. I'm kind of glad that I have my doctor's appointment because maybe they will know if it is just fatigue or something more. I hope that it isn't because that will mean BAD things for me and my schooling. I just want to rest and not think for awhile. However if you want some intelligent thought visit my friend Terri's blog:

http://tdcellardoor.blogspot.com/

I just love the way she thinks and stuff. Anyway, I'm going to go lie down and have a nap before I get sick and stuff.

It's raining, it's pouring

2004-09-17T17:41:00.000-04:00

All this rain will drive me crazy I'm sure. I've been huddled in doors living off of Hot Pockets and other Hot Pocket products. It's not funny, I feel like I'm going to explode inside. So now I am huddled again in my room watching Escaflowne and eating... you guessed it, more hot pockets, because I'm just a sad, poor college student. I did, however, get to see the Tahitian monks that were currently visiting our school (that was nice). I also got some prayer beads for my mother but that's not the point. The point is that this rain is going to make me go mad ( well more than I already am). Well that's all I have to say for now. I will write more I swear (that's if I don't lose my mind first)

Learning Japanese

2004-09-15T14:14:00.000-04:00

Today is my first major test in my Japanese class and I'm still pretty nervous. I don't have very pretty hiragana writing yet and neatness and spelling do count. Well I guess I will just have to try my best at this though I suck. I mean I have sloppy English handwriting and now I have to write in Japanese. *sigh* Well wish me luck as I make a fool of myself.

I finally got this thing

2004-09-14T13:53:00.000-04:00

It took me all of 20 minutes to figure out how to post again and I know that that is really sad but hey that's the way I run. Anyway, I just wanted to show what I've learned and all and that I'm a very slow person. Anyway, hi Terri and ignore the e-mail if you get it (which you might not).

Hello

2004-09-14T08:25:00.000-04:00

It just started out as a way to reply to my friends blog and so this was born. Weird, huh? Any way I really have nothing to write now but I didn't want to leave it blank till I did, so here is my first message. Yay me!