New Year Looming

This year is almost through and I really haven't accomplished the things I wanted. I have no resolutions for the next year, but I want to make a plan so that at least don't waste another year. I really want to try working on one story and actually finish it and I hope that will motivate me. I want to try harder in my studies and figure out why I'm having the difficulties that I had last semester. I don't want it to be the same, I want it to be better. But can I overcome my handicaps and bad habits in order to make it a reality.

I hope so...

End of the Semester

Wow...
Time sure has flown. The end of another semester is looming over us and I don't know... I know this will not be a good one. I need to come up with some other way to get through the next semester. I know it will be difficult, especially since I'm have such trouble as it is. Oh well, I'll use my winter break to plan. I still have to find the things I'm looking for for the holiday season. Oh well, a new search begins.

Yay, Avatar will be on soon!

*sigh*

Ever had that feeling of being totally lost?

A whole semester gone and I don't have any idea what happened. I have a feeling I'm not really doing very well and I don't know how to make it any better. Everything 's become a lot harder than it was before and I can only think 'if this semester is so hard, what about the next'.

I need to come up with better plans for next semester if I really want to get back to where I once was.

Just a short update

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RACHEL!!!!!!

Pumpkin Carnage!

The pumpkins...they die...
the seeds... they were everywhere,
Everywhere!

The great massacre... of pumpkin carving

Seeking ease of mind

I pray for sleep now, to be in the land of dreams and finally feel some sort of completion in my life. I feel like I’m falling a part some how, breaking down again after all these years. I pray for tears that never seem to come, and I’m just over come with this growing numb, empty feeling inside that soon become this great hunger that I have to fill and even though I know it’s not that kind of hunger I can nothing but fill it with food for the time being. Soon I feel guilty for what I feel inside, horrible for feeling so unhappy when I obviously have nothing to feel bad about and I curl up and sleep (because I can’t continue to think) and try to ignore the hunger (any hunger, really). I never thought I would be here this long. I had plans till 18 then… but the love of others (and a bit of their faith) made me change it in my mind to 21. In the time I thought I’d build up goals and ambitions and then I got thrown down again. My body slipping away from me at 18, I accepted this. I would accept what awaited me, but what I thought didn't come – I touched it, but it didn't come. So once again I tried for those goals and ambition believe what others say a my second chance only to be pushed again, maybe all those years of pushing and pulling on that hunger void finally took its toll on me.

Through all of this I lived in dreams, what I saw when I was awake hurt too much on the inside and now I find it hard to tell one from the other. Some time my mind doesn't always see what’s really there and it scares me so much. I've done everything so very wrong. I’m not the person I want people to see me as and it hurts so much inside. I just keep failing and I’m just so tired. I have people that I love so much and I know they love me, but I don’t feel like I really deserve that now. Why can’t I just get it right?! In the end, I always end up failing and now I can’t bring myself to even care.

So what do I do now? I try to find new goals, but they mean nothing to me, I can’t seem to hold on to them. I try to make a promise to myself to try harder, but find that promises to myself mean nothing to me. I just keep falling. Back into the dark, back into sleep, back into comforting dreams.

Still goin'

Another week and still so much to do. I was so happy for fall break, I finally got to go home and visit my Mom and my puppy. My poor baby is all rashy and raw where he's scratched at his fur. I feel so bad for my poor puppy. I'm feeling a lot better now and a bit more energized about everything (let's see how long this last). Anyway, I really don't have much to say right now, so... Yeah

On to my paper now!

Just Too Much

I look at all I have to do this week (one day in particular) and can only shake my head in shame. It just seems like there is too much to do and not enough time. And on top of all that, I'm really tired like all the time. When I start to do readings for class or study for something, I fall asleep mid-sentence. I never retain anything after this happens either. *sighs* I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get everything together like I want. Darn my procrastination issues, I make what's already a lot of work into death for myself. Why can't I just get it together already?

Rainy Day Contemplation

Another rainy day, the bleak weather isn't helping lift my mood at all (even though we need the rain). All this rain is making me really tired and bringing me down. As I sit, watching all the people around my mood drops even more. The concentration and frustration seems to roll off of them and I know that I should be among them. I just can't seem to get it, my mind just can't seem to wrap around it... it makes me want to cry. It really makes me want to cry, but I can't...

So I just sit here, watching the sky grow even darker and watch the sky open up again and the rain fall...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to my beloved mother. Another years has passed us by, a year of happiness and sadness, of hurt and hope. You have again made it through the challenges life had thrown our way and I so proud to be your daughter. I hope for the best for you on your day and love you very much.

Have a Happy, Happy Birthday!!!

Long Weekend

Finally! We finally have a slightly long weekend and I need it already. I have so much work to do now and am grateful for the time to get it together. Lots of people went home this break so it's pretty quiet here on campus. I'm happy yet sad about that, I kind of miss everyone but I can sleep (though it's scary at night). Anyway, I'm just working on my papers and relishing this little bit of peace (no matter how disturbing it can get).

Oh, well... :-)

Back! to wish many Happy Birthdays

Well, I'm back! Back at posting and back at school for my senior year. This part of the month (end of August, early September) is really big for birthdays around me. My room mate Jess had her 21st birthday August 29th and my lovely Nana had her birthday August 28th. Today is my older brother birthday and I really happy to see it. With all the crap that's gone on these past few years, it's amazing to say we've all made it another year for us.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIG BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and happy belated birthday again, to my loved ones.

Almost time to return

After my actual first summer working, I look over at the calendar and notice that it will soon be time to return to UNCG. This summer seemed to go by so quickly, it just felt odd. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but I'm actually kind of ready to go back. Besides working and resting from working and countless doctors' appointments, I haven't done a lot this summer at all. I haven't learned anything new really or expanded my mind (well I have but not the way I planned to). I miss my friends in Greensboro, I miss campus life, but I also like being here to help my mother and seeing my friends in Charlotte. I also like my coworkers really. I don't know, maybe once I get backthere I'll be wanting to come back home all over again.

I feel a little... divided...

a bit of a plea

If I can just make it through

just a little more and I'll be finished

But the end seems so far away

Quitting would be so easy,

but would I regret it?

I'm sure I would,

they tell me I will

I don't know

I'm so confused and tired

If I can just make it through,

maybe then...

All of it would be worthwhile

just a little more

a little more

I pray just a little more

just to make it through.

Back at School

Here I am back at school and although I missed my internet very much, I miss my home. I miss my mother and my cute puppy. I miss my friends in Charlotte and I miss my extended family. I also miss our satellite and all that channels we have (I know that's stupid but I miss it too). I had a really good time over the Christmas break. I got to see my beloved Nana for the first time in a year and I got to see the Rockettes, that was really fun. Now I'm back and I'm here in all alone. Oh well, I hope this semester goes well and I hope for health this time around (please no random blackouts). I really want 2006 to be better than last year.