Seeking ease of mind

I pray for sleep now, to be in the land of dreams and finally feel some sort of completion in my life. I feel like I’m falling a part some how, breaking down again after all these years. I pray for tears that never seem to come, and I’m just over come with this growing numb, empty feeling inside that soon become this great hunger that I have to fill and even though I know it’s not that kind of hunger I can nothing but fill it with food for the time being. Soon I feel guilty for what I feel inside, horrible for feeling so unhappy when I obviously have nothing to feel bad about and I curl up and sleep (because I can’t continue to think) and try to ignore the hunger (any hunger, really). I never thought I would be here this long. I had plans till 18 then… but the love of others (and a bit of their faith) made me change it in my mind to 21. In the time I thought I’d build up goals and ambitions and then I got thrown down again. My body slipping away from me at 18, I accepted this. I would accept what awaited me, but what I thought didn't come – I touched it, but it didn't come. So once again I tried for those goals and ambition believe what others say a my second chance only to be pushed again, maybe all those years of pushing and pulling on that hunger void finally took its toll on me.

Through all of this I lived in dreams, what I saw when I was awake hurt too much on the inside and now I find it hard to tell one from the other. Some time my mind doesn't always see what’s really there and it scares me so much. I've done everything so very wrong. I’m not the person I want people to see me as and it hurts so much inside. I just keep failing and I’m just so tired. I have people that I love so much and I know they love me, but I don’t feel like I really deserve that now. Why can’t I just get it right?! In the end, I always end up failing and now I can’t bring myself to even care.

So what do I do now? I try to find new goals, but they mean nothing to me, I can’t seem to hold on to them. I try to make a promise to myself to try harder, but find that promises to myself mean nothing to me. I just keep falling. Back into the dark, back into sleep, back into comforting dreams.